hoi, maar even hier ook, uit pure wanhoop! ik ben op zoek naar een leuk baantje in amsterdam waar ik vooral van de zomer veel kan werken. een cafe, winkel, etc, maakt me niet zoveel uit als het maar niet heeel saai is en een beetje ok verdient! laat het me please weten als je iets weet :) 

blogspot im going to use more often

today’s been bad. well, at least i had a proper reason to cry: i got fired from my new job which was silly and stupid. it’s not worth crying over and paying more attention to, i know i’ll find something new which suits me better. i guess i’m just not the right person for fancy dinner stuff. i just want to work somewhere where people can sit on a couch and get drunk, basically. i’m once again off to the middle of nowhere- my boyfriend really needs to move to the city but i know it’s not possible at the moment. so we’ll just continue spending too much money and too much time on trains. though i actually don’t really mind traveling by train- it gives me time to read my books, listen to music and look out of a window. passing meadows and empty thoughts, no worries, just meadows. and of course the thought of those curls and all of what is him that will wait for me at the little railway station there make everything right. so yeah, we got back together. it almost feels like we’re more together than ever. this train i’m in even smells of him and that’s probably just something i made up or want to smell. i’m good, even though at times i’m worse than ever. i know that’s what i always tell you, but it’s true. i hope you all’ve been doing good too. know i’ll never forget you all and even if it sounds silly: my writings on here and you reading it all meant a lot to me and still do. this stupid website but especially my readers have a place in my heart because i know i can almost come back to you and you’re there, you always are. the most abstract but true friendship there is. maybe i’ll come here more often again but i first need to finish my exams. xxxx

like many have said and written before, loneliness seems to be something that doesn’t have to do with how many people surround you. if feeling lonely could kill i would’ve been dead seventy times already. i know there are enough people that are and want to be there for me but i just don’t feel like talking or being with them. i almost feel guilty for how often i long for being home when i’m with friends. i don’t know why i do because i like them all and am often surrounded by the sweetest people. this is what hurts me the most because he was the only one that didn’t make me feel that way and now i’ve lost him. maybe it’s because he wás home to me, so i didn’t have to long for it anymore. i feel like falling into an even darker hole now he’s gone. it was short but intense and now i’m just… i don’t know what to do with myself. i keep on writing, listening to music, crying, trying not to cry and go out a lot with people. i know better days will come, because they always do, some day. they have to. they really will.  i just need to keep that in mind.